As I’m writing this I’m watching the sun set over the roofs in my condominium complex. I’m wearing my present to myself upon entering college; a very faded Fresno State t-shirt, a new pair of jersey boxers that are neon and nude colored stripes, and over-sized wayfarers branded with my employers logo; I won them in a corporate prize pack for meeting a sales goal. My legs are submerged to the knee, as I sit on the edge of my swimming pool, located in the center of the complex, its the only relief to the heat wave plaguing the valley right now. My laptop is perched dangerously close to where the water disconnects from my skin, but it is safe. I’m listening to the included track.
I always forget how at home I feel submerged in water, either completely or partially. I’m sucking on a cream soda flavored dum-dum lollypop, they’re my favorite and very hard to find. Today is the last day of summer for me. Tomorrow I have an eight hour shift at work, followed by my once a week night class that kicks off my fall semester. Tonight I’m saying good bye to it, as I look up and gently kiss the air.
I’ve been in sort of this blissful daze for the last year and a half, like i’ve been in some sort of ideal summertime experience movie marketed to tweens by Nickelodeon. I’ve traveled, made a real support system of new faces, worked endlessly, and I feel like I’ve matured. But I’ve had to learn how to say good bye, and there is a loneliness in doing so that I don’t entirely know what to make of. At times I feel at odds with myself and I question my happiness, when I look back on the metaphorical summer I’m saying good bye to and that taught me to do so, I feel like I’m in a dissatisfying coming of age on IFC. My toes are starting to prune.
I wonder what this fall will bring. I feel like I’m starting at square one, I’ve outgrown my old self, but I’m not entirely sure of my new one. For now I’m wishing someone were watching me and would take a candid photo of me writing right now, it is a moment I would like to see captured, do you have those moments too?
Starfucker - The White Of Noon